The benefits and limitations of using artificial intelligence for personal growth
In my quest to become a better partner, I found an unlikely ally: an AI chatbot that coached me through an ongoing relationship challenge.
My boyfriend's alarms start going off at 3:00 a.m. Most mornings they buzz, chirp, and chime for nearly two hours before he finally wakes up. Obviously, this is a source of recurring conflict in our relationship and a potential deal-breaker if we can't resolve it. It's also an opportunity for me to practice how to better communicate, show kindness and compassion, and collaborate on solutions that benefit us both.
Admittedly, I'm not my best at 5:00 a.m. after 2 hours of alarm hell. Or at least I wasn't, before ClaudeAI. Having been impressed with Claude's abilities in other areas, I decided to see what advice it would have for me in handling this relationship issue and managing my emotional responses to conflict, including a tendency to withdraw and withhold affection.
Could a machine built for data crunching and simulation help me with matters of the heart?
Actually yes. In Claude, I found an on-demand counselor surprisingly adept at navigating the complexity of human relationships and offering helpful and practical advice that changed how I approach my partner, even when sleep-deprived at 5:00 a.m.
Confiding in Claude
Let me start off by saying that I have reservations about AI. Like most technologies, it can be used in positive or negative ways and there are real risks associated with certain use cases. That said, I'm finding AI assistants to be a powerful tool that, used responsibly, can help me work faster and smarter and offer me new ideas.
I began by spilling my guts to ClaudeAI, typing in what was going on, how I was feeling, and what I was struggling with. I started at a more macro level describing my desire to let go of old patterns and bring in greater kindness and compassion. It felt rather cathartic, not because I was venting but typing forced me to organize my thoughts and express them clearly. As good coaches and counselors know, the best insights and progress come from within a client’s own heart and mind.
Importantly, I asked Claude what questions it had for me before offering advice. Claude responded with eight poignant questions for me to reflect on. One of the most thought-provoking questions was: “What does relenting mean to you in the context of your relationship conflicts? What fears or concerns arise when you consider being the first to show affection or comfort?” In chewing on that question, I uncovered the root of my issue.
Deep breath.
Surprising synergy of artificial and emotional intelligence
One of the cool features of the pro version is setting up projects with custom instructions for Claude's responses in that project. I told Claude to “Seek the highest consciousness and enlightened perspective; Be willing to hold me accountable and push me toward greatness; Use a personable tone, like that of a therapist or trusted friend.” I didn’t want an AI ass-kisser. I wanted candid help.
With those instructions, Claude offered 10 practical suggestions and perspectives to consider. For example, after urging me to be gentle with myself, Claude challenged me to reframe my concept of relenting in conflict, which I am often unwilling to do, preferring instead to withdraw and withhold affection. Claude said, “Instead of seeing it as losing or giving in, try viewing it as “choosing love” or “investing in our relationship.”
Claude asked whether showing compassion was really a weakness or actually a sign of strength. Boom!
Claude urged me to “try doing the opposite of what you usually do,” and asked if there was a real world scenario we could apply the advice to. Having another horrible start to that morning, the sleep issue was a recent and relevant example with the certainty of repeating.
AI relationship advice: From digital wisdom to real-life change
I told Claude about our struggles with sleep and the incident that morning, which didn’t go so well. Claude walked me through the strategies identified in the previous response, including suggestions for things I could say that promote empathy and repair while also honoring my needs and boundaries.
Claude helped me craft a constructive text message and even told me to cool my jets and not send another text when I hadn't heard back a few hours later. According to Claude, “double texting”—a phrase I had never heard—can push people away and apply pressure that increases conflict. So I waited, which ended up being the better choice. I received a conciliatory text back about half an hour later. This meant that he would walk through the door primed for connection not conflict.
The next morning gave me an opportunity to use this different approach. Claude had given me advice on how to wake a deep sleeper. I gently shook him, called out his name louder and louder, and turned on the lights. Regrettably, nothing worked so I retreated to the couch and blasted new age music to try to drown out the alarms from down the hall.
As 3:00 a.m. turned into 4:00 a.m. and beyond, my frustration and exhaustion escalated but I was determined to handle it differently. I closed myself in my office, and after I vented some irritation on my gong, I picked up the printed copy of our chat and refreshed on alternative responses to my usual snide remarks. I reminded myself that he likely has a sleep disorder and is not doing this on purpose. I challenged myself to reiterate the need for a serious conversation soon without resorting to threats or blame.
I vowed to choose connection over self-righteous indignation.
When he finally woke up and was ready for work, I had a choice to make. I could stay behind my closed door or go out and talk to him. I took Claude's suggestion and did the opposite of what I would normally do, which would be withdraw in silent protest or get angry. I calmly walked down the hall toward a man wondering what was about to happen. I didn’t blame him for trying to sneak out of the house.
In a testament to his good nature, he opened his arms to receive me. When he apologized, I thanked him for acknowledging the impact on me. When he said I love you, I said it back. I told him that this weekend, when we were both rested, I wanted to have a serious conversation about this issue and brainstorm ways that we can both get the sleep we need. With a yes and a kiss, he went off to work and I eventually went back to sleep.
The human touch
Of course, what happens next is up to us. Claude is not a substitute for our own decision- making or discernment nor a shortcut around our own introspection. Claude is also not a guru or muse. Its responses come from training data, which includes “a wide range of texts on psychology, relationship advice, and emotional health.” It is synthesizing its relevant inputs to provide general suggestions, albeit tailored to my specific prompts and retrieved without hours of internet scrolling or book skimming. While convenient, it is not an experienced therapist or psychologist capable of more sophisticated and nuanced help. Nor has it directly experienced the complexities and layers of deep human emotion.
Additionally, unlike a human counselor or therapist, there is no relationship or evolving understanding of me as a person. ClaudeAI reportedly does not collect, store, or access any personal data. Each conversation is separate and starts fresh, without the record of past conversations (unless explicitly provided as an input). This is an important safeguard and also a disadvantage compared to a human, who is running their own kind of learning model in getting to know you.
In short, I think ClaudeAI is best used as a supplement to other support resources, particularly for people with a history of self-exploration and personal growth. It is useful as a tool to prompt deeper introspection and work through an issue privately without needing to factor in cost or scheduling.
As my experience shows, ClaudeAI can help me ask better questions of myself, challenge me to try new approaches and perspectives, and prepare me for more constructive and compassionate conversations.
As with all support, the goal is lasting transformation, not dependency on a surrogate.
Could I have done this on my own or with the help of a trusted friend? Sure. But this is where AI shines—quickly condensing a vast array of data into a few nuggets of wisdom to make my life easier and better. And doing it on demand, where it can support change in real time.
A new frontier in personal growth
The act of engaging with AI through articulating our problems can lead to valuable self-reflection and insight. AI can offer fresh perspectives on personal issues, helping us break out of habitual thinking patterns and revealing concrete strategies to consider and test. The objectivity of AI can help us see situations from different angles, fostering empathy and understanding and planting the seeds for a higher perspective. Being able to access this support in real-time during or in anticipation of difficult moments means we are better prepared to respond in alignment with our personal growth goals.
As AI continues to evolve, its potential in personal development is both exciting and profound. We are at the beginning of how AI can complement human intelligence in areas of emotional growth and relationship dynamics. In the future, we may see AI assistants that can provide even more personalized guidance, adapting to individual personalities and learning styles.
However, the true power of AI in personal development will likely come from its synergy with human emotion, insight, and experience.
The key will be to approach AI as a tool for enhancing our inherent human capacities, rather than as a replacement for human wisdom. By doing so, we open up possibilities for accelerated personal growth, more harmonious relationships, and perhaps even a deeper understanding of what it means to be human in an increasingly technological world.
How to try this for yourself—for free
Since my experience is with ClaudeAI, these suggestions are based on that platform. I have no relationship with or financial stakes in the company that developed ClaudeAI. I simply preferred its tone and response content to ChatGPT.
Visit https://claude.ai/new and enter your first prompt. Where could you use greater insight?
For AI relationship advice and help with personal questions, I suggest providing a paragraph or two of context, describing the situation and your goal in seeking help. At the end, ask Claude: “What questions do you have for me before you offer your advice?”
Use the resulting questions like journal prompts. Give them adequate thought and reflection and when you feel ready, provide your summarized answers. You may be surprised at what you learn about yourself in that process.
Claude will return its suggestions and perspectives, along with something like, “Are there any of these that resonate with you? Do you have concerns about implementing them?” You can choose to respond to Claude’s follow-up questions or input questions of your own.
Claude may ask for a real-life scenario to apply the advice and practice in a safe space. If not, you can ask Claude to do this. You can ask Claude anything! It does not judge.
With the privacy safeguards, it is ok to be honest. You will get more helpful response the more candid and specific you are.
Carolyn Brouillard is a passionate explorer of human potential and a curious student of consciousness, which is a favorite subject of her celebrated personal essays. She is in no way affiliated with ClaudeAI.
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